After several months of denial… I’ve acknowledged that I’ve been dealing with postpartum depression. I’d come home to a messy place; washed clothes in my bedroom on the opposite side, dishes in the sink, mail on all counters, under eating or over eating, episodes of irrational crying, lying in bed all day, pushing through the day like nothing is wrong, thinking I’m a bad mother, not spending enough time with her because I have to work more than one job for my daughter to have essentials. The list could go on.
Mental illness is something I’ve acknowledged on my paternal side but on my maternal side, if you don’t pay attention you’ll miss it. I looked online finding many types of depression, medication, combating, counseling, and pushing through. But family will let other family struggle sometimes. I’ve only had one family member on each side openly admit to dealing with depression. I know you shouldn’t trust anything on the web but if I could guess, I’d say I have high functioning depression. And I only recognized it about a week or two ago, while I was at work.
At this point, these posts are journal entries. Sometimes I have to write it out to feel better about things. It won’t always be in-depth but I want others to read and see you’re not alone. It’s a constant mental battle, the mind is so brilliant but so dangerous. I am looking into therapy but I do feel like it’ll be a waste. I’m not sure I’ll actually feel better. I feel vulnerable and like I have no reason to be this way. And if you ever feel bad, someone always comes around and says it could be worse or be thankful for what you have. And that’s okay but no one wants to ask why that person is saying that or what’s going on. Pretty much saying get over it and move on, when things do need to be talked out. It’s so easily dismissed when people are literally reaching out and feeling down and everyone turns their nose up.
I’m undecided. Plus the way my bank account is set up, idk if I can make that work. It’s not an excuse for my actions but explains a lot. Everyone should take some time to examine their thoughts, feelings, surroundings and if they drain or recharge them.. to know what needs to stay, what needs to go or be added.
Comments on how to deal with postpartum depression would be greatly appreciated, an open dialogue from women around the world is accepted and I’m eager to hear. Please, speak up. I am listening.