I did not think having a baby would cause so much reflection on my life. I thought it’d be some invisible drive to push me to be my best self because you now have someone riding on you to take care of them.
Like it would just all click when she was born, some light would shine on my face and happily ever after. Clearly, I watched too much T.V. or read too many books.
Sadly, I’ve been comparing every aspect in my life to everyone else. I’m trying to see where I went wrong or what I can do better the next time, as if that really works. I have no control of certain things and I wish I did, otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am right now. Angry.
I am just angry. I feel like I’m going through the stages of grief since finding out about my pregnancy and after birth. I really don’t know what I am feeling but I don’t need anyone to help figure it out either, sometimes I just think, you have to get through it and eventually some day, week, month, year. It finally gets better.
I’m not there yet, I’m taking all the L’s everywhere I go seems like. It’s funny now, but during the situation, I’m livid.
I’m angry with God. And I know, you don’t have to tell me I have no right. I had a whole conversation in my head driving home, who are you to be angry with God!? Are you stupid? But I am! Scriptures were coming into my head and my sins (past and current) were flashing in my face. I’m not even sure how I got home I was so engulfed with my life actions and how this is supposed to work for his plan he has in store for me.
I started off like I’m angry. I know you’re God but I am angry, you are my spiritual father and even if my worldly father did something I didn’t like, I’d still be mad, what’s the difference? You gave me emotions, I am going to use them.
I have not read an ounce of my word, but have been listening to Christian/gospel music and sermons on the radio. Tears come to my eyes when I even try to read a verse. I cannot.
I’m angry with myself.
I am ashamed.
Things are a lot easier said than done. Get over it. This happens. It’s okay.
Okaaayy. But when do I finally reach that “over it” mark?
I had an extreme meltdown last Thursday, I was ready to knock every last person out. Male and female. I did not care. No reflection came from that, I have nothing to say and I do not feel bad. After I had my screams and shouts, I was better. I just want to get out of this feeling, that I am feeling.
If I didn’t have the little bit of Jesus I had left, I can see how people lose their minds in an instance. I’m fine. Just keep me lifted up in your prayers. This world is crazy and I let my emotions get the best of me the past couple weeks. It’s fine to have them but I want to acknowledge why I am feeling this way and work on it. But I am stuck.