Pregnancy seemed to be thee longest 9 months of my life!
I had so much pain around the time my period was supposed to show up that I thought my ovaries were exploding. So what did I do, I Googled.
The words I typed in were,
“Period pain cramps but no period.”
The results said, “you’re def pregnant.” It was from a forum answer which made me laugh even more. I was sure something else was wrong with my body, but I go buy a test. I bought the test just so when I call to set up an appointment with whatever kind of doctor, I could let them know I WAS NOT PREGNANT.
I go to Walgreens to buy a test. As I leave, the cashier says, good luck!
When I think back, I’m like what did she mean good luck? Good luck on motherhood? Good luck for the results? Idk. But her face was priceless, like she knew pregnancy wasn’t all people hyped it up to be.
I’m moving as slow as molasses to the bathroom, since I already knew the results. SIKE. I looked at the results as if I was blind. It settled in and I picked up the stick again and there was a fat positive. I could barely flush the toilet when I saw the two lines. Yes, I graduated from college and finally had my own place. But I was just becoming an adult!
I wasn’t worried that my daughters father wouldn’t want to be in her life. I was worried about my family and how others would think of me. I never was bothered much by how people perceived me, but a black unwed mother!? Yikes. The stigma alone made me want to throw up.
I told my mother first, then my dad. It wasn’t long before I told them, because I couldn’t withhold information without it feeling like I was lying. After telling the ones that mattered the most, I felt some relief but I knew I was still hiding and avoiding someone, God.
I felt like a disappointment, I could visualize God just shaking his head at me. A parent is constantly telling a kid right from wrong, but their child won’t figure it out until they are in the situation themselves. That’s where I was. I watched women in my family have children out of wedlock and how much of a struggle it was and the pain they went through. They made it, but the process was longer, harder, and mentally and physically draining. But clearly I didn’t take heed.
I’m hiding from God like he didn’t already know though, when he ordained it! I internalized so much that it began to show, but I wouldn’t let it externalize with my words. Never.
“Yup, I’m good.”
“No, I don’t need anything.”
I did not think that I could or should accept anything from anybody because I got myself into this.
It wasn’t until half way through my pregnancy that I realized, I was wrong. I had to forgive myself because God had already forgave me. Even though I had become distant in my relationship before my pregnancy, this set me back even further with him. I felt the space I was creating due to my circumstance.
Me, a mother? Still doesn’t even slide off my tongue right saying, my daughter. The funny thing after I gave birth to, my daughter, I wanted to become closer to Christ. I could not begin to even think I could do this on my own. I did not want to lead a child without being led myself, I needed and want him to show me how I am to raise her so she could walk in the steps God has ordered.